I'm thirsty

I don’t know why. I don’t know how. But somehow fate manages to do it. It manages to dry this world of happiness. It manages to flood us with tears. It manages to make our parched souls hike around in an arid air of unrealized misery.

No. Shut up. Sorry. Misery’s not the word to describe it. Unfulfillment is.

There is something terribly wrong with life. It’s the fact that we are all thirsty and no matter how much water we drink, we remain insatiable. I’m not just talking about the literal H2O water – I’m talking about every single thing we are determined to get, only to find ourselves wanting more and having to work even harder once we actually do get it.

A year ago, while my new house was being constructed, I would think to myself how great my life would become upon its completion – how I can be finally proud and happy to live in a comfortable place. Fast forward a couple months. I’m all settled here, and it’s as usual to me as the old crypt I used to live in was. Now downgrading to the place I was fine growing up in would seem like an earthly hell, and I still find myself envying others for their ‘superior’ properties.

It’s not just that. A year and a half ago I told myself that I’d be satisfied with my academic life once I got the scores superior to a fellow colleague we like to call ‘sway.’ Ever since I did, I have only since found myself proven wrong again, as I still find myself in frustration and envy of that other girl’s one extra IB score, while stressing over how I am supposed to sustain my already high grades for the next terms.

I can only tell myself that I am already very privileged – that millions out there don’t even have the hope of getting into college; that people live under bridges – but that reassurance means nothing to me. I keep wanting more and more. I suppose it’s the same for everyone else - wealthy celebrities who have everything but are no less miserable than we are; popular jocks who secretly wish they were geeks.

You see, life is cancerously self-destructive. You are constantly told to put in insurmountable amounts of effort and determination into being somebody, blind-sighted and completely oblivious of this fatal flaw of human nature. For people like me – those caught up in this vile vortex of determination and thirst - the more you put into it, the harder it becomes, because you can’t ever give up, and you put in more and more of your energy into life until you eventually die an exhausted death. Success isn’t hard to find. There's a goldmine of it right next door. But no matter how deep you dig, you’d have to have all odds going for you to find a single drop of contentment.

To Get To My Heart

I'm not saying there is someone who wants to get my heart, nor am I saying I want somebody to have it. But if anybody wants it, here are a few tips from the owner.

To get to my heart, you have to be funny.

I can't stand a dull conversation. I'd rather watch TV and be amused alone than be with someone who can't make me laugh. But I'm not selfish, no. When and if I like you, I'll start to want to make you laugh, too.

To get to my heart, you have to be yourself. I, for once, will never change just to get some guy's attention - so you shouldn't, too. I like people for who they are, I don't want you to change. If I don't like you just the way you are, maybe we're just not meant to be. So when you're over me, pray. You'll find her, the girl who will love you just the way you are.

Be funny and be yourself. So if you are not naturally funny, you probably won't stand a chance. But maybe he'll like you; maybe you should go to him.

To get to my heart, you have to get through Ray.

He's my brother, only a year older than I am. He used to be fat, but now he's freakishly big and buff. We used to be real close. It used to be 'I'm not going if he's not going', but we're both older now. We both have a life.

If you want my heart now, he's the toughest one to get through. But I guess you shouldn't worry, he's graduating soon. But if you want my heart now, be careful, he's scary. There have only been two guys, ever, whom he approves to have my heart. What's weird is that I didn't even ask him about those two; he suggested me to like them.

One day, on a car ride home, he spontaneously blurted two names. He said, "Dek (Sis), why don't you go with A? Or B, he's nice too. Don't go liking weird people, those two are just right for you. They are good Christians." Fortunately for me, I was sort of "in a relationship" with Boy A. Hearing that, I laughed in my heart. I was glad, relieved even, that I was with the "right guy". And then life happened. My "relationship" with Boy A ended. But right now, I'm very good friends with Boy A and B. (No, I don't think I should be with any of them in the near future)

Unfortunately for two other guys, who actually wanted to have my heart, Ray said, "No." In eighth grade, I had a boyfriend. We decided to have the relationship backstreet for a while, but Ray soon found out. And he objects. He objected badly. He made me break him up. He cornered me; I had no choice. I was psychologically unable to continue the relationship because of Ray. I don't exactly understand why Ray doesn't want him to be with me, but if he doesn't like you... then he doesn't like you. I doubt he will change his mind. For days, everyday, Ray would ask me, "Have you broken up with him?" To me, the question sounded more like an order. It sounded like, "Break up with him!" Imagine hearing that every day. I couldn't handle the pressure; I cracked and I broke up. Trust me, you don't want to be Boy C. Then again, you probably don't want to be Ninth-Grade-Karina's boyfriend. She didn't know much about relationships then.

We were swimming one night, and there was a Swim-In Movie at Hard Rock Hotel, Bali. The movie was Chicken Run. Ray gave me a piggy back ride under water. I watched the entire movie on his back. As we were watching, Ray mentioned Boy D. He updated his knowledge on my love life at the time. I had a crush on Boy D, but I never told Ray about it. I don't know, maybe he just knew. He told me nicely to not be with Boy D. "Dek, don't go with D, ya..." Why? I asked. And he just said Don't. So I didn't. Boy D is his friend, not mine, so I guess he knows him more than I do. It was kind of sweet, actually. The whole brother-sister moment. :)

To get through Ray, you have to be a good Christian. That, and a whole lot of other things on Ray's invisible My Sister's Ideal Boyfriend list. In the long run, Ray is the easiest to get through, because...

To get to my heart, you also have to get through Noel.

He's been hurt by girls a lot, but he never hurt them. He's always the victim in his relationships, and frankly, he doesn't want me to be one. He checks up on me, asks me who I like every now and then. He cares, a lot. I can tell.

One night, my eyes were red and puffy from crying over Boy E. He was my first real love, and up to this day, he is the only guy I ever loved. Don't worry, I will learn to love again. So Noel came in through the door without knocking and found me looking oh so miserable. I looked like I was dying; I looked like someone just died! Knowing who my heart belonged to, at the time, he asked, "What did E do to you?" I lied. "No, seriously. What did he do to you?" Nothing, I lied again. I was in no mood to tell him anything and Boy E didn't exactly do anything worth punching. But Noel had his guards up. "Just tell me if he's hurting you." He left the room.

A few minutes later, Ray came in. He looked at me and giggled. "Are you crying over a guy?" I laughed and I said no. So he left.

Noel is about two years older than me. One of his friends was interested in me, once. He only told me about it months after the incident. Knowing what kind of a guy his friend was, he told him, "Hell no."

So to get through Noel, you have to promise him you will never hurt me and keep that promise. Not hurting me means being loyal and true. Break my heart and Noel will break your face. So you think you can get my heart, now? Think again, because...

To get to my heart, you still have to get through Dio.

Dio is currently in Germany and he will stay there for six months, so if you want my heart right now, things will be easier. He's coming back; he better come back. Dio is my cousin, he is three years older than me. He's been living with me since he graduated from high school in America; it has been two years now and we've grown close. I would say I am closer to Dio than any of my brothers. This is due to the countless car rides he drove me in. We go everywhere together, and believe me, car rides bring people closer because close spaces force you to talk.

He gives me advice on guys. He gives me insight on life as he knows it. I trust him. He has never met any of my crushes and/or boyfriend, though. Well, of course, why would he feel the need to see any high school dorks? After listening to my stories, he often respond with words like As long as you're happy, Slow down - he's not going anywhere, and You're doing right. He treats me like an adult, he trusts me with my decisions. I guess you don't have to worry about him for now. I, myself don't know how evil he can be when it comes to guys loving me. But later in life, getting through him will come in handy, because...

To get to my heart, you finally have to get through my Daddy.

I actually call him Papa (I wrote Daddy just to rhyme hehe). Last time I checked, he doesn't allow me to date. But that's, like, five years ago. I was eleven, then. You see, I don't tell my parents when I have a boyfriend or whatever. I do it backstreet, and so far, everything's been fine.

I don't know about other girls, but me, I plan to have a husband. I want to get married and have kids. All I know, right now, Papa doesn't want me to have a smoker, like him, for a husband. If and when you plan to ask for my hand in marriage, there's no detour but to get through him. Yes, it's my life. I have the power to choose who I want to marry, but I respect my parents. They have lived life longer than I have; they understand life (and love) better than me.

You should watch Meet the Parents. Let's hope when my future husband gets to meet my parents, it will not end in a catastrophe like in the movie. My dad has his own way to detect lies; so to get through him, you have to be honest. He cannot stand lies. I have many stories of him and his employees (plus lies) with endings you don't want to hear.

Because I am not planning to settle down anytime soon, I think Papa is fine with anything (anyone?) as long as it (or he) does not interfere with my studies. Also, don't smoke and be honest. Impress him. Get a job or something. :)

I am surrounded by men. They guard me, they protect me, they want the best for me. I am somewhat grateful to have them, because, look.. If I don't have them, I will probably end up being with guys who are simply funny but untrue. Or with comedians who plan to break my heart. (Well, no... I don't fall that easy) This is the advantage of being the only girl and having three brothers in the family. When it comes to guys, I just have to like, sit back, and relax.

Unfortunately for you, if you want my heart, you have a long way to go before you reach this girl's heart. Phoebe once said (in a debate speech), people often gets confused with finding Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now. Well, until I find my Mr. Right, I guess I have to date a few wrong Mr. Right Now-s, right? I'm not looking for a husband, I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I'm not looking. I'm simply walking and waiting for Whatever I Can Get (facebook).

When people ask me what type of guy do I want to have as my boyfriend, I usually answer: I don't have a type. In a way, I don't.. but after this analysis, I suppose I can give you a list.

MY TYPE OF GUY
Funny
Good Christian
Ray Has To Like Him
Loyal
Won't Break My Heart
Respects Me
Not A Smoker
Honest

Hey you, if you want to have my heart, I hope you're not intimidated. ;)