My Restraint is my Own Suicide

*Not to be graded, unless I don’t post anything next week*

Disclaimer: This post was written at a time when the writer was in an extremely emotionally unstable mood. Therefore what is said here should not in any way be taken seriously.

Happiness to me is among the rarest things on earth. Yet happiness is knocking on my door, only to be rejected by my idiot self.

Christians claim that Christ is the only way to true happiness, and that worldly and iniquitous pleasures only brings out a temporary joviality within ourselves - the rest is supposed to be a hollow, lightless emptiness.

Not so, I have come to learn. The happiest people I know are the most dissolute - those who are wise enough to indulge in everything the world has to offer. The emotional train wrecks are the uptight, prissy, unrealistic nuns who drown in this pool of heinousness.

If God really is just, then where is he? Why is it that morality is punished by exclusion and loneliness, while evil is rewarded with popularity and a sense of social significance?

On the night of my birthday, I was greeted by a deeply unwelcome sense of emptiness and rejection. My bestfriend, angered by my chauvinistic idiocy, told me that she wouldn't be coming on time for my birthday party because she has a date, and I am now sure that the people I care about won't be there for me as I "celebrate" my coming of age. Imagine that, being left out from your own birthday party. Here, on the day that was meant to be the day I bask in the joys of friendship and hope, I instead mourn the loss of my hope – the deathlike feeling of seclusion.

In truth, perhaps I do deserve to be excluded from everyone else. I am a chauvinistic, intolerant, uptight, two-faced bastard, and inconsiderate of other people’s privacy. In my fruitless endeavors to please God, I have instead angered everyone around me.

Why then should I continue my one-legged dance of unfound hope and light? No good can come from it – my peers will be infuriated by my fanaticism, social tension will arise between those who judge and those who are judged, and I will of course be devoid of any sense of belonging as I witness the crumbling of my social life.

I look back to the old me – a rebellious person on the verge of expulsion from school, a person with a 13GB porn collection, a person everyone sees as fun, a person with an actual “life” – and realize that life was so much better for me back then than it is now.

Why then, should I continue committing this social suicide, when no one benefits from my irrationality? Shouldn’t I just conform so that I am accepted?

Christ is an illusion. Persistence for the truth is nonsense – merely a byproduct of Christian denial of God’s non-existence. Spiritual euphoria is resultant of the insanity associated with Christianity. I will never find light in Christ. Heaven is already here – this heaven of sex and drugs – yet I am too stupid to accept it. These thoughts continue to resonate in my mind like an echoing scream of despair.

I’ve always told myself that what everyone around me does doesn’t affect me. Peer pressure is very much real, my friend. I struggle to juggle my spiritual and social lives as I enviously witness others who manage to completely segregate their spiritual lives from their social lives. But my passion, unlike theirs, is uncontrollable. My raging fury is beastlike, and my own integrity is self-destructive. My soul is on the verge of its own demise. And my words turn into my own poison, as my restraint becomes my own suicide.

Our Liberty is Our Suicide

Change is for good. Liberalism liberates. Boundaries bind. - Ideas that deceptively promise to make the world a better place. 

Collective surveys say that nine out of ten Americans have had premarital sex. In fact, there, fornication is so casual that people pride themselves on how many sex partners they've had. To my dismay, some people I know have begun to make sex a routine parts of their lives. Parents begin to teach their kids on how to wear condoms, reinforcing the decadent idea that "premarital sex is fine," as long as it is done "safely". Why not? After all, Western society – the “idyllic” society – believes in freedom to do anything with our libido-driven flesh.

I - someone of more conservative character - is detested by everyone for trying to do something about the gradual suicides of my peers. They call me disrespectful of their so-called “rights". I lay in grief and despair as I witness the loss of innocence – the embitterment of my cherry-topped youth.

We Asians look up to Westerners like they are gods. Escorts prance around malls with bule in their arms and radiate a nauseating aura of self-worship, as if their social status is raised for sleeping with a Caucasian. We all fail to see that every culture is equal, as we abandon our heritage in search of becoming more like them. And in our pursuit of becoming American, we seek to morph Asia into an American Asia – an orgasmic “utopia” advocating the "freedom" to sin.

Western countries perceive the ideal living haven as a place where equality, human rights, and liberty are commonplace. Their societies are structured upon this philosophy where the sky is the limit. The problem is, the human body and mind is naturally stupid. It desires to get drunk, die of liver failure, fornicate, get pregnant, rot of AIDS, and self-destruct. Yet asinine freedom is encouraged – freedom to allow our natural defects to take hold of ourselves.

Needless to say, Western ideologies also base life on independence, productivity, fulfillment based on achievement, and pushing yourselves to the limit – commendable ideals that I applaud. And for them, freedom allows for success to be achieved to the maximum. Yet here, we find many of the most Americanized teenagers to be daughters and sons of privileged entrepreneurs who superficially base their lives on who has the most expensive bags and cars – bags and cars bought by inherited wealth. So here we find Indonesian youth plague-ridden by a class of the idle rich – Paris Hiltons and Nicole Richies – purposeless, spoiled, deflowered, promiscuous, Americanized brats.

America's rubbish we glutonously devour. Its gold we heedlessly throw away.

Friends, America is here! Iniquity poses as liberty, and we gladly take it. We eradicate our sense of value, our tradition, our dignity. Globalization is the new colonialism! No longer are we united by corpulent kings and queens engraved to the back of coins, but united by garmentless people on magazines. Unity by the queen is so over; a new form of unity is here – Unity by promiscuity!

Here we stand in the “height of modern civilization.” Here we lay in schizophrenic fallacy. Here we witness the stupid; exalted, the wise; mocked. Here, as moral ground corrodes, we deny, we conform, and we blithely march towards hell under the iniquitous mask of heaven.